Hanging out with a small baby all day means I have a lot of time to think about the Business of Being a Mom. I’ve started and stopped over a dozen posts, most of them in my head, because I want to give form to my fragmented thoughts and flesh out my half-ideas and tell somebody, anybody, what’s been going on over here. But I can’t. I can start a post a day because I’m opinionated, but I can’t finish anything because I’m green. Dylan wakes up and I hit save and by the time I make it back to my draft the next day, everything’s changed, and I can’t bear the thought of publishing something that makes me cringe now, even if it rang truer than true just a few days ago. Here’s a small example. When Dylan was about five weeks old, I wrote a post listing all the reasons why the first months of caring for a puppy are so much easier than the first months of caring for a baby. I won’t bother to share it because it’s so stupid, but you can imagine that it included things like diapers and biting. When she was eight weeks old I realized it was total nonsense and wondered what kind of hormonal high I’d been on not to realize that yeah, babies are portable, but I might want to do things without my baby. Also, my experience is not representative of mothers everywhere and maybe it’s really insensitive to write a long post about how my baby slept through the night by six weeks. For me, brand new parenthood is like walking around in fog , but I always think I’m headed in the right direction and I always think the fog is clearing, but I’m not and it’s not and I don’t realize it until I look up and wonder how I got here because here is not what I thought it would be, but hey look, it’s not bad, and also the fog is like laughing gas. I’ve fallen into a bad habit of using this blog to make grand pronouncements about Mormonism! and Feminism! and Politics! and now I’m tempted to use it to make grand pronouncements about Motherhood!, but I can’t, because I’m still figuring out what it means to be a parent and what aspects of the whole experience are worth sharing publicly. So I guess I’ll keep you posted.
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